


Baked Goods

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bad Cooking, Baking, M/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 11:37:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13612551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: Something was going on with Carisi, and while he didn't need to know what it was, or how to fix it, he knew he had to do something to brighten Carisi's life.





	Baked Goods

**Author's Note:**

> So like lol good day this was gonna be fluffy af, and then... and then my brain was like... angst??? so I kinda just went with it, and it blew way out of proportion with the angst, but ya know, here we are.
> 
> Two things: this has nothing to do with the latest episode, and pls read the tags bc ya know, heavy shit
> 
> Valentine's Day Prompt: Sweet Treats
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

It started on a late Friday evening. The sun had set hours beforehand, and Rafael truly wished he was anywhere but the precinct. But some beat cop had arrested a man pleasuring himself in the park, and unfortunately the situation had evolved into being related to a sex trafficking ring.

 

So instead of dinner with Lucia, Rafael was spending his Friday night watching Carisi and Rollins attempt to wrangle information from the elderly perp. And it was not going well. The younger detective seemed on edge; aggressive in his questions, blunt in his approach, and even though Rafael couldn't see his face, he could see the scarlet flush of rage creeping up the back of Carisi’s neck. Even Rollins was giving him a wary side eye, one filled with concern and confusion.

 

He had only just muted the interrogation room to ask Liv whether or not Carisi should be running the interview, when a loud bang sounded from the room. He and Liv whipped their heads to find the source of the noise, only to be utterly surprised by the sight beforehand.

 

Carisi had yanked the man from his chair and shoved him against the wall, pinning him there. They couldn't hear his words as he snarled in the man's face, but as Liv slammed the door opened they caught the tail end of his attack.

 

“-so burn in hell, you disgusting, foul-” was all he could spit out before Liv was pulling him out of the room, leaving Rafael, Rollins and the old man alone in the space.

 

“This is police brutality,” the perp exclaimed. “I'm suing this whole department!”

 

“Keep dreamin’ perv,” Rollins snapped back, though her eyes were filled with worry as she stared at the open door.

 

Rafael stepped forward to leave the room, to follow after Carisi and find out why he seemed one step away for beating a man's face in, but Rollins grabbed his arm.

 

“Leave him,” she warned. “He just needs to cool off.”

 

He was certain there was something more, but he wasn't the person to ask Carisi. No matter how much flirting they occasionally indulged themselves in, they were not friends. They were merely co-workers, perhaps with a slight mentor/student relationship, though that was entirely forced upon Rafael by an overeager Carisi.

 

This was not Rafael's question to ask, so he didn't.

 

*******

 

The next time Rafael suspected something was wrong, he was completely blind sided by it.

 

It had been a week since Carisi's outburst, and Liv had ordered him to stick to desk duty until she saw fit for him to return. One look from the detective as Rafael walked through the bullpen, and he could tell Carisi was not happy with the command from Liv. He seemed tired, yet on edge, as if there was something volatile bubbling under the surface.

 

Rafael wanted to help. He wanted to alleviate whatever inner turmoil was happening inside Carisi. But it still didn't feel like his place, so he entered Liv's office without another glance towards Carisi.

 

Twenty minutes later, and plans for lunch on Friday with Liv, Rafael stepped back into the bullpen, ready to leave.

 

The space was empty, aside from a few uniformed officers hovering around. Rafael assumed the squad had gone out for lunch, or were working on a case, so he thought nothing of the near-empty room. That is until, just as he was heading towards the elevator, the sound of glass smashing rang throughout the bullpen.

 

Rafael instantly searched for the source, though it did not take him long.

 

In the middle of the break room stood Carisi, with a broken mug in pieces at his feet.

 

“Carisi,” he started gently, eyeing the stiff expression on the detective’s face, the stare he was boring into the NYPD mug. “Are you-”

 

He expected Carisi to snap at him, or unleash some of the tension he had be holding back on, or even just to ignore Rafael. Instead he did something wildly unexpected.

 

His crystal blue eyes lifted to meet Rafael's, shining and broken.

 

“I can't- I can't do anything right,” he choked out, those baby blues now darting around, as if the room might offer an answer to his pain. His breathing became tighter, quicker.

 

Rafael opened his mouth to say something, _anything,_  but the words refused to form in his mind. Instead, he stepped tentatively forward, hoping to at least centre Carisi back into reality. The movement seemed to be enough, as Carisi spotted him, his eyes locking onto Rafael, widened with shock. It seemed he had only just realised Rafael actually was there.

 

“Carisi-”

 

“I have to go,” he gritted out, avoiding Rafael's worried gaze.

 

It was hard to let Carisi push past him, to watch as he stormed back into the squad room, towards a hall Rafael had never ventured down. It was hard, but it solidified what Rafael already suspected.

 

Something was going on with Carisi, and while he didn't need to know what it was, or how to fix it, he knew he had to do something to brighten Carisi's life.

 

*******

 

It was a hot mess. _Literally_ a hot mess. His barely-used kitchen was swelteringly hot, filled with a smoke that was stifling, thick. He tried waving a newspaper in the air, just under the smoke detector, but he was that little bit too short to make a difference.

 

A thought flashed across his mind. A thought of someone taller than himself, who would absolutely come help if he asked. Before logic could take over, Rafael grabbed his phone and punched in the number.

 

Twenty minutes later, and the alarm still had not stopped its high-pitched beeping, ringing loudly throughout the apartment. Rafael had given up trying to fix it, after even going so far as to stand on his kitchen bench to try and yank the damn thing down. So he sat on his couch, and tried to block out the constant warning sounds blasting into his eardrums.

 

A knock at the door signalled Carisi's arrival. He ran straight over to the door, yanking it open.

 

“Thank god, get in-” he started to order, but faltered at the sight before him. Carisi was wearing incredibly flattering athletic gear, showing off surprisingly toned calves and biceps, still glistening with sweat. Slung over his shoulder was a gym bag, with boxing gloves tied to the strap. “Have you been boxing?”

 

“Yeah,” he replied. “Want me to-”

 

“Since when do you box?”

 

Carisi rolled his eyes. “Since I decided to start. Now did you-”

 

“You just don't strike me as the type to want to-”

 

“Rafael,” Carisi cut him off, though it was less his blunt tone, and more the use of his first name, that had him stopping in his tracks. “Did you want me to fix the smoke alarm?”

 

With Carisi standing in his doorway, muscles showing, sweaty, Rafael had completely forgotten about the problem at hand.

 

“Right, yes. Come in,” he mumbled, letting the detective into his apartment.

 

It took Carisi exactly thirty seconds to switch the alarm off.

 

“You know there's an on and off button, right?” he teased, surprisingly light considering how he had been for the past few weeks.

 

“Consider me knowing that now,” Rafael grumbled, watching as Carisi climbed down from the kitchen counter.

 

“So,” Carisi started, poking at the hunk of charcoal that was sitting on the stove top. “What exactly were you trying to cook here?”

 

Rafael had opened his mouth to reply, to come up with a casual response. But then he had spotted it, a mere two seconds before Carisi saw it. The note that he had stupidly written out before attempting the sunday afternoon baking session. The note intended for Carisi.

 

His long, pale fingers picked up with piece of paper, reading over it carefully.

 

“That's just-” he began, wondering if he just started speaking, perhaps the excuse would magically come to him in the moment.

  
"You were trying to make this for me?" His blue eyes raked over the page, before finally meeting Rafael's, filled with confusion.

  
"I... Yes,” he confessed, certain the truth was the best path. “You seemed down lately, and I know coffee cake cheers me up, so I thought maybe it would help you."

  
Carisi squinted his eyes, probing now, as if this were an interrogation. "This note doesn't have your name."

  
"Can't have people thinking I'm too nice, I have a reputation to uphold,” he half-joked.

  
"Right..."

  
"Look,” he started, sucking in a deep breath. It was now or never. “I'm not sure what's going on, but bottling it up never helped anyone. So while I can't have everyone thinking I'm nice, I don't mind if word gets around that I'm a good listener, because it's the truth."

  
The corner of Carisi's lips quirked up in an almost-smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'll keep that in mind."

  
"Although just ask Liv, when it comes to advice I'm generally quite terrible-"

 

If Rafael hadn't been staring intently at Carisi, trying to gauge his reaction, he would have missed it. He would have missed the lowered gaze, boring into the piece of paper. He would have missed the tear drops that fell softly and silently from Carisi's eyes, landing on the handwritten note. He would have missed all of it.

 

“Carisi?”

 

“She lost it.” It was barely a whisper, barely even directed at Rafael, but he heard it all the same.

 

“Who-”

 

“Bella, she…” he trailed off, shaking his head, now glaring at the paper in his hands.

 

“You don't have to tell me,” Rafael reassured.

 

The tears were still pouring as he finally met Rafael's gaze with broken eyes, so shining and wide that Rafael felt his heart split in half, and he could only wonder what emotions were running through Carisi in this moment.

 

“She lost her baby.”

 

_One._

 

_Two._

 

_Three._

 

Rafael counted three seconds before Carisi collapsed in on himself and began to openly weep, his eyes clenched shut, as if blocking out Rafael perhaps made it easier to cry so freely. He reached a tentative hand forward, unsure of what to do, before gently placing it on the other man's shoulder.

 

“I was there- there when she found out,” he revealed, his voice thick with emotion. “Tommy couldn't make it, so she asked me to go with her. She said was nervous. You know what I said to her?” Rafael shook his head, though Carisi couldn't see it. “I said, 'don’t worry, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?’”

 

Rafael inhaled a deep breath, a poor attempt at calming the rapid pounding of his heart.

 

“Sonny, it's not your-”

 

“I know it's not my fault,” he snapped, finally openly his eyes though he wouldn't look to Rafael. “But of all the things to say…”

 

“You couldn't have known.”

 

“I know that. But there's nothing…” his voice faded away, as he searched the ground for the words to explain what he felt. “There’s nothing like the… the sound of a woman losing a part of themselves. I can't describe it. It's like everyone in my family is grieving right now. Everyone is mourning the loss of- of Bella's child. But they're all leaning onto me for support, you know?”

 

It was then Carisi looked into Rafael's eyes. It was then that he let Rafael see his pain. It was then that Rafael felt his heart break.

 

“I want to be there for them,” Carisi continued. “I want to _help_ them. But it's like every little thing they're feeling, I'm feeling more, so much more than I ever have. And it's weighing me down.”

 

As if the words had power over his body, Carisi's shoulders sagged heavily, slumping his form over, and before Rafael was prepared for it, his head gently rested on Rafael's shoulder.

 

He tensed for the briefest of moments, just as Carisi did. Then in beautiful unison, they exhaled and relaxed into the slightly awkward position, Rafael's hand now splayed across Carisi's back, holding him in place. He ran his thumb over the breathable fabric of Carisi's singlet, the smallest of comforts for the younger man.

 

He didn't know what to say. When he had texted Carisi, he didn't expect any of this, but a part of him was still glad that Carisi had finally told _someone_ what was happening.

 

But he still didn't know what to say.

 

"Yeah, I don't think coffee cake can fix this.” The poor attempt at a joke slipped out before he could even consider how inappropriate it was. His hand froze, and he had half a mind to step away, to run away, to literally never ever face Carisi again.

 

Just as he was about to, Carisi’s head lifted. His eyes were shining still, his nose slightly red, but a playful smirk grew on his lips, the only warning Rafael got before Carisi burst out laughing.

 

Rafael always appreciated the sweet sound of Carisi laughing, but this was something different, something pure and open.

 

"I can't believe I'm laughing,” he wheezed out, resting his head back on Rafael's shoulder. He could feel the slight shake of Carisi's body as he kept on laughing. “I feel like I haven't even smiled in weeks.”

 

His head lifted again, meeting Rafael's eyes with his baby blues. The most precious and perfect of smiles planted on his pink lips.

 

“Are you okay?” Rafael breathed out, acutely aware of how close they were, of how his breath was ghosting over Carisi's smile.

 

“I didn't think I would be,” he whispered. “But I feel a lot better, just saying it.”

 

“I'm glad,” Rafael murmured, his eyes flicking to Carisi's lips. He tracked the younger man’s eyes as they glanced to Rafael's own lips, before moving back up, locking soft green onto piercing blue.

 

Carisi seemed lighter, happier. For Rafael, that was all that mattered.


End file.
